I am not you

I am not sad anymore.
I am not weak or tender or quiet like you remember because the second you said those words, closed that door, I sold my soul to the part of myself I had buried in order to love you.
And then your glances and words, throwing knives with no return about my changing of habits and ways of living, being, and I nodded and smiled, dying silently a little bit inside.
But I’m not sad anymore
and if you could see me now you wouldn’t be so awfully tall for I’ve grown both inner and outer and I can run for hours, taught my muscles to carry this weight you left me with because I was constantly struggling with being weightless and heavy
sad or angry
in love or unloved.
Know that if I cry
it’s not out of sadness
it’s because I spent a year on you I can’t get back
and it was the best year of my life
because I learned something I could never learn alone.
That I don’t need anyone to make myself grow.

I needed an explosion to wake me up, to force me to get up from that damned floor and realise what was really going on.
I needed a slap in the face.
You were the hardest year of my life and I’ve never been so happy. What does that say about me?
I am slowly trying hard to blur out the last months because they’re ugly and I don’t want us to be the evidence of how easy it is for heaven to turn into hell so I try to recall the beginning.
You turned cold and unkind and I just wanted to do you well.
I just wanted to do you well even though you never did me well.
So I am not a broken heart.
I am not this year and I am not your fault.
I am muscles building cells, a little every day, because they broke that day, but bones are stronger once they heal and I am smiling to the bus driver and replacing my groceries once a week and I am not sitting for hours in the shower anymore.
I am the way a life unfolds and bloom and seasons come and go and I am the way the spring always finds a way to turn even the coldest winter into a field of green and flowers and new life.
And I am not your fault. 

(thank you charlotte for inspiring me with your words)