me before you (and another love letter to my everything)

“Y’know, I think maybe you’re the sun. I think maybe you’re my sun. And I’m just orbiting you.”

Hi baby

are you proud of me?

I'm looking out for myself now

me before everybody else

it took some time (and a hard fall)

but I finally made it

isn't that what I've promised you some time ago?

thank you for being that one person who was always there

I'm doing this for myself

but you helped me through it

and I could never thank you enough for this smile I'm wearing now

and always (especially around you)

you're everything to me

and I love you so much

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are grey
You never know, dear, how much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away

you'll always have a special place in my heart
(I was supposed to write about me being a good girl and taking care of myself but I guess you never really leave my mind)
love you love you love you love you love you loveyouloveyouloveyouloveyouloveyouloveyouloveyou

«If the world was fair, someone would bring you the moon and stars every night, the sun every morning»

I can’t give you any more

You cut the pieces out
I couldn’t bend to fit
You’ve had enough of me
Called me a tragedy

I opened up for you
Told you some secrets too
I threw my diaries out
There’s nothing more to hide from you

I swear I gave my all
but still you ask for more
I guess I’ll go
I’m sorry I can’t be
all that you need, all that you ask from me
I swear I gave my all
I can’t give you any more

There’s nothing left unsaid
Your ghost lies in my bed
I bet you sleep just fine
with all your stupid pride

To open up to dare to trust
To be let down, to fade like dust
is what I fear the most
My ability to trust is what you stole

I swear I gave my all
but still you ask for more
I guess I’ll go
I’m sorry I can’t be
all that you need, all that you ever asked from me
I swear I gave my all
Can’t give you anymore

I'm wide awake and now it's clear to me

I'm wide awake

Yeah, I was in the dark
I was falling hard
With an open heart
I'm wide awake
How did I read the stars so wrong?

I'm wide awake
And now it's clear to me
That everything you see
Ain't always what it seems
I'm wide awake
Yeah, I was dreaming for so long

I wish I knew then
What I know now
Wouldn't dive in
Wouldn't bow down
Gravity hurts
You made it so sweet
Till I woke up on
On the concrete

Falling from cloud 9
Crashing from the high
I'm letting go tonight
Yeah, I'm falling from cloud 9

I'm wide awake
Not losing any sleep
I picked up every piece
And landed on my feet
I'm wide awake
Need nothing to complete myself, no

I'm wide awake
Yeah, I am born again
Out of the lion's den
I don't have to pretend
And it's too late
The story's over now, the end

I wish I knew then
What I know now
Wouldn't dive in
Wouldn't bow down
Gravity hurts
You made it so sweet
Till I woke up on
On the concrete

Falling from cloud 9
It was out of the blue, I'm
Crashing from the high
I'm letting go tonight
Yeah, I'm letting you go, I'm
I'm falling from cloud 9

I'm wide awake
Thunder rumbling
Castles crumbling (I'm wide awake)
I am trying to hold on (I'm wide awake)
God knows that I tried
Seeing the bright side (I'm wide awake)
But I'm not blind anymore
I'm wide awake
I'm wide awake

Yeah, I'm falling from cloud 9
It was out of the blue, I'm
Crashing from the high
You know I'm letting go tonight
Yeah, I'm letting you go, I'm
I'm falling from cloud 9
I'm wide awake

This is all I can be

I am the diamond you left in the dust
I am the future you lost in the past
Seems like I never compared
Wouldn't notice if I disappeared

You stole the love that I saved for myself
And I watched you give it to somebody else
But these scars no longer I hide
I found the light you shut inside
Couldn't love me if you tried

Am I still not good enough?
Am I still not worth that much?
I'm sorry for the way my life turned out
Sorry for the smile I'm wearing now
Guess I'm still not good enough

Does it burn
Knowing I used all the pain?
Does it hurt
Knowing you're fuel to my flame?
Don't look back
Don't need your regrets
Thank god you left my love behind
Couldn't change me if you tried

Am I still not good enough?
Am I still not worth that much?
I'm sorry for the way my life turned out
Sorry for the smile I'm wearing now
Guess I'm still not good enough

Release your curse
'Cause I know my worth
Those wounds you made are gone
You waiting nothing, yeah
Your love wore thin
And I never win
You want the best
So sorry that's clearly not me
This is all I can be

Am I still not good enough?
Am I still not worth that much?
I'm sorry for the way my life turned out
Sorry for the smile I'm wearing now
Guess I'm still not good enough

I am not you

I am not sad anymore.
I am not weak or tender or quiet like you remember because the second you said those words, closed that door, I sold my soul to the part of myself I had buried in order to love you.
And then your glances and words, throwing knives with no return about my changing of habits and ways of living, being, and I nodded and smiled, dying silently a little bit inside.
But I’m not sad anymore
and if you could see me now you wouldn’t be so awfully tall for I’ve grown both inner and outer and I can run for hours, taught my muscles to carry this weight you left me with because I was constantly struggling with being weightless and heavy
sad or angry
in love or unloved.
Know that if I cry
it’s not out of sadness
it’s because I spent a year on you I can’t get back
and it was the best year of my life
because I learned something I could never learn alone.
That I don’t need anyone to make myself grow.

I needed an explosion to wake me up, to force me to get up from that damned floor and realise what was really going on.
I needed a slap in the face.
You were the hardest year of my life and I’ve never been so happy. What does that say about me?
I am slowly trying hard to blur out the last months because they’re ugly and I don’t want us to be the evidence of how easy it is for heaven to turn into hell so I try to recall the beginning.
You turned cold and unkind and I just wanted to do you well.
I just wanted to do you well even though you never did me well.
So I am not a broken heart.
I am not this year and I am not your fault.
I am muscles building cells, a little every day, because they broke that day, but bones are stronger once they heal and I am smiling to the bus driver and replacing my groceries once a week and I am not sitting for hours in the shower anymore.
I am the way a life unfolds and bloom and seasons come and go and I am the way the spring always finds a way to turn even the coldest winter into a field of green and flowers and new life.
And I am not your fault. 

(thank you charlotte for inspiring me with your words)